Tradition vs. Innovative Entertainment

Every time the 4th of July hits, my Grandma throws a party. She's a woman who thrives on entertaining and feeding as many people as possible. The yearly bash usually gathers 40 people and she's always enjoying her position as host. The past few years, the numbers have lessened and she's been more tired. Even though her home hosts a terrific view of the fireworks downtown Lititz, our own back yard has a superior view of the same and is closer to the ground display. This year, we're without our boys for the holiday and though it would be more exciting and entertaining to stay home and enjoy the works from our own porch, with the baby sleeping in her own bed, we decided to drive up the road to Grandma's and go on with tradition.

It wasn't what it usually is. There was no music or noise in the back ground and we were the entertainment. Grandpa hasn't been well. So I made a capris salad and we all feasted on that and talked about normal things, though we all felt slightly awkward. Grandma hasn't had the energy she usually does to entertain and host, even us. It makes me sad to see her so tired. I thought several times tonight, a need to pipe up and tell her that she's remarkable. "Grandma" I said in my head, "You are the very reason that I kept from being naughty in my youth and from growing up sour. Your strength and energy you choose to carry as a woman astonishes and I dream of being just like you when I'm grown." But Grandpa didn't feel well, the baby got fussy and I sipped on my water instead.

Company came and we all gathered awkwardly around the table, chatted around ego-centric topics and it wasn't warm.

All 10 of the other guests joined out on the porch on chairs and watched the sky, waiting for the show to start. Then close to 10pm, much to my happy heart, my cousins all started coming and it felt like old times! We laughed, shared and talked about the latest.

What can be done to bring back the past from when we were young? To take our stories up in bottles or make them a wallpaper? We've all grown to our own paths, and the unity of our youth and innocence has run up to choices and brought us to here: a place where we don't dream of easter and Christmas to make us laugh together and wonder at secret gifts and to talk of bunnies and games. We're further apart, directed otherwise and family is moving forward. Who knows where it's going. I can only pray that Grandma can stay forever.

So here was are, closing the evening. Photos to edit, house to clean and an earache to push everything off another day. I still have my Grandma, my children and I'm going to sleep thankful today.

Good night, world.

Dieting Sucks

So, when I couldn't get down from 170 lbs. I was devistated. I heard about the HCG diet and it was sort of exciting to listen to. 28-48 days (choose one), HCG (pregnancy hormone) and 500 calories a day of proteins and fruits/veggies. Loosing up to 3 lbs a day. Sounded awesome to me, and very doable.

I signed up. And started with enthusiasm.

So far, I've lost 15 lbs, it's day 10 today and I just couldn't get past the 500 calorie thing today. Maybe the HCG didn't quite work this morning for some reason. I was going mad. Didn't cheat off the diet, but boy did I ever want to. Didn't do it. My friend ended up stopping by and she's been trying so hard to loose weight for a year and is stalled. She asked for advice and we went to the store to read labels on food and talk about her calorie ins and outs. Exhausting, to be honest. I want to help her, and I probably will.

Good news? I'm in my size medium shirt and the medium pants are falling off my hips.

I'm onto cracking into the massive amount of editing that I need to do for the month of June and my poor friends on facebook might be wondering why I haven't responded to their inquiries through my inbox there. I'm just a mess.

Portrait of Hope is growing up, Rwanda trip is coming up and I can't think straight with keeping my details.

So onto that, and time to stop spouting at the fingertips.

Mom's here, gotta go. :)

So, she told me to start a blog.

I haven't journaled in a long time. Can't spell and that's distracting. Can't find time, and that's discouraging. Can't sleep and that's why I made it here.

It's a busy time here. Editing photos, trying to parent, doing an extreme diet, trying to find time for God and failing, planning a trip to Rwanda, dreaming and experiencing limits and often not living up to what I want to do or really should be doing.

Facebook is irritating me because I end up wasting hours a day just accessing it. So I'd rather use this as an outlet. I don't really intend to have this page looked at and viewed by the general public. I just want to look back and remember where I came from. So there's the intent, the hope and dream. At least the condensed version.

Welcome, everyone, to a useful space. Make yourselves at home.

I'm wondering about waking up in the morning and what it will be like to step on the scale. Having lost even a little more weight. My waist is still big, but I'm seeing the numbers go down a bit on that scale. It's been 9 days now on the HCG diet and I lost 13 lbs. I weight 156 today, I think. 125 is a dream and so far away. That wedding dress needs to be worn again. I love putting it back on again and again and again.

No more photo taking until saturday. I think I have about 25 folders of photos that need to be edited. Still no editor either. :( I'm growing weary. But hopeful that soon, this business will be in the hands of someone else. I LOVE being a photographer, but I first was a mother and a strong one in Jesus. I want to go back in a way.

It's time to turn in, nearly 1:30 am now. I want to cuddle my children and then sneak into bed. Good night out there. Whoever you are. :)

In anticipation,

joyous